okay 1st of all (i dunno why i always like to use 1st of all), i'm really sorry if this blog has hurt anyone's feelings.. ok probably sorry to some of those whom i had insulted. with such vulgarities too. oh this DOES NOT, i repeat, DOES NOT include chicks and las. back to the point. i was reading someone's blog (4th weird thing: blog-hopping at 4 in the morning) and i sorta realised that my feelings and stuff that i usually type down probably hurts people and stuff, for those who even bother to read my blathering posts. so sorry.

but well, after all, this is my blog, and i am entitled to my feelings. with this blog, thus the freedom to write them down. though, yes i admit, at the expense of other's feelings. i can only offer my 'sorrys', but that's all i can do. i won't stop, because this is the only avenue in which i can express so freely my feelings. and thoughts. parents don't really give a damn, friends - worse so (but it looks like its changing in one person), and siblings: they'd think i was destined to be committed.

so i'm sorry. i'll try not to speak too badly of others, and probably avoid using f***. probably substitute with fork or fish or farm. i dunno. but one thing though, is that i promise to make a concerted effort to view things more positively. cup half full or half empty? its half full now. this way i won't feel so negatively about certain situations or people.

but don't blame me if i have my mood swings. its most 'cos of parents. my resulting bad mood will, coupled with other elements of bad-ness which i had so often blocked out, result in a black day for me. and my blog.

anyway, i don't seem to see how unfaithful i am as a friend. i don't like leaving people in the lurch. neither do i do so. i only stop helping when i'm absolutely clueless as to what to do next. but usually i stick to those who will stick to me. because i am who i am. not because of what i have at the instant moment or what i have done or am going to do. i think i only have 2 such friends in this category. possibly one, seeing as the other one is quite a useless confidant.

but i have this friend. weirdly, this friend still consents to remaining friends with me. after what i have said and done and thought of this friend. tell me, if you don't favor someone, why bother to remain as friends with him? similarities? i don't think that would be such a strong holding force. shared past experiences? c'mon, i've already lost contact with almost the whole cohort that graduated from kcpps with me. it can't be personality, because if so, i'd have fans by now. joking. but i mean something like that, but just not to that extent. i refuse to believe it. its not even true. i know myself. so what is it? once again, i feel confused, for the umpteenth time this year. so why would a person, caught under such difficult and awkward circumstances, suggest continuing the friendship? only reason i can think of is guilt. or probably pity. but not one of those things that factor to a sustained friendship.

just the other day in my mood swing, i had thought of severing all ties (friendship or kinship alike) with this friend. unless i find out what that aforementioned reason is, i still continue to entertain the thought. i'm really unsure as to what my friend may feel. happy, 'cos that's what my friend has been waiting for? freedom from this laborious friendship (or whatever this friend may deem it to be)? what? the most important of the 5Ws & 1H. its been playing in my brain since. perhaps it'd be better for the both us stop traveling parallel and start veering off our own ways. or perhaps my feeling's toward this friend may change over the years. i am really at a loss for thought now. much less, conclusions. if you read this, please do say how you feel. cure my disorientation. the only thing i can do now is wait. just wait and see. :|

*note - no profanities used during the course of creation of this post. none occurred in my mind, nor did any appear in the post. small step for my blog, but large step for me, i dare say.